IN DREAMS I WALK WITH YOU, FART-KNOCKER

David Lynch, auteur screenwriter/director.

Last night I had a dream in which I was part of the throng that was admitted to a secret free sneak preview of a new movie. As we were admitted, we were told that part of the deal was that was had to sit through the entirety of the film, and the doors to the auditorium would be locked to ensure that we sat through the whole thing.  Along with a crowd that included several people that I know, I settled in with a tub of popcorn and waited for the lights to dim. After a number of arthouse trailers — nearly always a bad sign — the film finally started. The opening titles said it all:

Asymmetrical Productions Presents:

David Lynch's 

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD

At the sight of this the audience began to murmur amongst itself, and some of us thought it was a joke along the lines of the phony credits at the beginning of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. But no. In no time we realized that we were to be subjected to a three-and-a-half-hour experimental black-and-white live-action iteration of the Mike Judge cartoon series that was set on a sound stage featuring minimalist set dressing, with a soundtrack of loud industrial noises.

The plot made no coherent sense, nor was it at all funny, and periodically, without rhyme or reason, the action would shift to still photos of the cast juxtaposed with visuals of the printed script in lieu of dialog. And sometimes the non-action was punctuated with cartoon sound effects and a randomly-deployed slide whistle.

After about five minutes, the audience attempted to leave but, as previously stated, all exits were locked, so there was no escape. As the film dragged on, the audience became irate and began lobbing cups of soda, buckets of popcorn, hot dogs, candy, anything that wasn't nailed down at the screen, but those siege efforts were foiled by a cleverly-disguised shield that protected the screening's backdrop.

As the audience reached a fever pitch, I awoke from my dream, disappointed because I wanted to see how it all came out. That, and I wanted to see how Lynch would handle the Great Cornholio. Alas...