SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

I'm a big fan of sex and violence in cinema but when it comes to porn I prefer to keep the two exclusive from one another, so I am very curious as to how well this new release succeeds as a blend of the tenderloin and martial arts genres.

There have been prior attempts at melding the two forms, especially during the 1970's chopsocky boom, and I always found the shoehorning of (badly choreographed) kung fu or karate into a fuck film to be wholly incongruous. Therefore I very much doubt this will be worth even a squirt of diabetic rat's piss.

As you have no doubt noticed if you read this blog regularly, porn parodies/remakes are proliferating at a rate that is both alarming and downright nonsensical. For example, who in god's name thought this would be a good idea?

Do we really need a XXX remake of one of the most tragic and soul-destroyingly depressing films of the 1990's? Who the hell would find this erotic? I can't speak for the rest you, but I know with absolute certainty that I could never rub one out to this. No fucking way.

Lastly, unless you've been living in a cave in the remote Himalayas for the past two months or so, you are no doubt aware of the media circus surrounding the extremely public meltdown of actor/party loon Charlie Sheen. The guy has whored and coked his way into the hearts and minds of insatiable scandal-lovers everywhere, with new bizarro developments and pronouncements taking place on pretty much a daily basis. Now comes this so-called parody of The Sheen's adventures, starring a number of his call girl pals, for each of whom his moment in the spotlight of public infamy equals free publicity and the potential for making a few quick bucks.

I'm sure this sucks out loud, but it fascinates me because, well, think about it. How hard would it have been at this point to talk the real Charlie Sheen into actively participating in this venture? In fact, considering his call girl and porn biz connections, coupled with him acting as a human reverse-snow-blower ("sober," my beige ass), I'm rather shocked that Charlie didn't think to make this himself. His behavior has been one steadily-escalating litany of highly questionable decisions, so I doubt starring in a porno would do much, if anything, to hurt his already majorly tarnished reputation. And unless the filmmakers have on hand a woodsman who's a dead ringer for Charlie who can also flawlessly imitate his voice, delivery, and mannerisms, this is doomed to be nothing more than the rote and incredibly shameless cash-in that it so obviously is.