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Monday, July 06, 2009


Bringin' it back the hard way: the might and majesty that is Steel Panther.

My old pal Stinky Weasel, the man who so long ago gave me my first proper education on the gloriousness that is heavy metal, alerted me to this one this morning, and in the words of my co-worker and fellow metalhead Metal Matt, "Man, that made my year!"

Poking fun at the pussified suckness that passes for music these days, L.A.'s Steel Panther are a contemporary hair-metal combo who rock out with their cocks out and manage to be funny as hell while doing so. Their video for the anthemic "Death to All But Metal" harkens back to such '80's music video classics as "We're Not Gonna Take It" and "Hot for Teacher" and proves that the lessons learned in THIS IS SPINAL TAP have not gone unheeded some twenty-five years on. I fucking love this song and agree with its sentiment, and before any of you get bent out of shape for some of its lyrical content — not bloody likely if you read this site with any regularity — please keep in mind that it's satirical and does not actually call for the executions of any of the performers it mentions (nor the necrophiliac violation of the resulting corpses), nor is it calling for intolerance toward homosexuals (I think). Check out the video by clicking here (keep in mind that the lyrical content is definitely NSFW), and the lyrics can be found below.

"Death to All But Metal"
by Steel Panther

C-c-come on!

Fuck the Goo Goo Dolls, they can suck my balls
They look like the dogs that hang out at the mall

Eminem can suck it, so can Dr. Dre
They can suck each other just because they're gay
They can suck a dick, they can lick a sack
Everybody shout, "Heavy metal's back!"

Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal

Death to Papa Roach, Blink 182
All those fucking pussies sounds like doggy-doo
Wearing baggy pants, spiking up their hair
They're not worth the crust on my underwear

Where is Def Leppard? Where is Mötley Crüe?
Why do all my lyrics sound like Dr. Seuss?

Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal

Kills those fucking fuckheads who programme MTV
They can suck my ass with all the record companies

Death to Britney Spears, kill the little slut
Kill Madonna too and then fuck her in the butt
Fuck Mariah Carey, death to Sheryl Crowe
They can kiss each other on the camel toe
50 Cent's a fag, so is Kanye West
Shooting hot sperm on each others' chest

Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal
Death to all but metal


Jared said...

Let me get this straight. Steel Panther thinks the other bands are gay and to prove that Steel Panther is not gay they want the other band to perform gay acts on Steel Panther? Methinks Steel Panther doth protest too much!

John Bligh said...

Jared's just jealous HE didn't write those downright shakespearian lyrics...

Ken Pierce said...

Steel Panther rules and their shows are highly entertaining. You think this song rocks? Wait until you hear the majesty of "Asian Hooker" and "Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)". Really wild stuff. I had the chance to cover an appearance in NYC a few months ago and if you want to see it, just click my name to be taken to it. I recommend hitting a gig when they return. It's a Metal riot.