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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF CINDERELLA


So Cinderella marries that boring closet case of a prince but she still won't settle down and behave herself, much to the chagrin of her Fairy Godmother. Tired of seeing Cindy going out every night, cruising the kingdom in her souped-up pumpkin, drinking like a madwoman and generally whoring about with men other than the prince, the Fairy Godmother comes down hard on Cinderella and tells her, "Girl, I am completely fucking sick of you carrying on like a college coed. Hell, you didn't even go to college! If you don't stop messing around, I'm gonna turn your vagina into a pumpkin!" Cinderella promises she'll clean up her act, but that night she goes out again, decked out in her sluttiest ball gown, and the Fairy Godmother, utterly fed up, casts her spell.

Just before dawn, Cinderella returns to the palace, drunk as hell and looking like she's just come back from Fleet Week. The Fairy Godmother greets her at the door with, "Well, what have you got to say for yourself?" Cinderella literally falls all over herself and gushes, "Oh, bless you, Fairy Godmother! Bless you!!!" Confused, the Fairy Godmother says, "What the...?!? But I turned your vagina into a pumpkin!" The bright-eyed, smiling Cinderella looks at her and replies, "Yeah, but my date was with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"

(INSERT RIMSHOT HERE)

THE AUTOPSY RESULTS ARE IN: KEVIN DuBROW, LEAD SINGER OF QUIET RIOT, DIED FROM A COCAINE O.D.


John Bligh called it (more or less), and John Gibson alerted me to the details. As previously reported here in the Vault, Kevin DuBrow, lead singer of Eighties pop metal combo Quiet Riot, died suddenly at age 52, but there was no word of cause of death at the time. Well, here's the skinny from the Associated Press, and you've just gotta love the last line:

Quiet Riot Singer Died of Overdose

LAS VEGAS (AP) - The death last month of Kevin DuBrow, lead singer for the 1980s heavy metal band Quiet Riot, has been ruled an accidental cocaine overdose. Clark County coroner spokeswoman Samantha Charles confirmed the cause Monday after toxicology results were received Monday.

DuBrow was found dead Nov. 25 at his Las Vegas home. He was 52.

Quiet Riot was perhaps best known for its 1983 cover of "Cum on Feel the Noize." The song, featuring DuBrow's powerful, gravelly voice, appeared on the band's album "Metal Health" - which was the first by a metal band to reach No. 1 on the Billboard chart.

DuBrow recorded a solo album in 2004, "In for the Kill," and the band's last studio CD, "Rehab," came out in October 2006.

Monday, December 10, 2007

YET MORE PROOF OF MY PATHETIC GEEKERY: BLAISE OF GLORY


As you may have noticed, I love me some Modesty Blaise. Well, I finally gave in and have collected all of my Blaise-related material over at BLAISE OF GLORY: ALL THINGS MODESTY for your convenience and in hope that I can lure you into reading some truly kickass crime/adventure fiction. It features reviews of all the Modesty Blaise novels I've read so far, an overview of what the whole thing's about, some essays, and eventually reviews of the remaining novels and collected editions of the daily newspaper strip.

And make sure to pass this on to any of your friends who may be interested in such stuff, but not necessarily the rest of the questionable stuff that I get into here in the Vault of Buncheness. So put your hair up in a chignon, strap on a matched set of throwing knives, and check it out already!

WHAT I DONE BEEN READIN': PIECES OF MODESTY (1972)


According to the Wikipedia, this collection of short stories was originally intended to be issued as an edition featuring illustrations by original MODESTY BLAISE cartoonist Jim Holdaway, but Holdaway died in 1970 and the stories lay fallow until finally published in 1972. Holdaway did, however, provide the art before his untimely demise, and the illustrations have seen print in various magazines (I, alas, don't have any of them). Also, elements from some of these stories later found their way into the daily comic strip, a fact that doesn't surprise me since much of this material reads like something much more out of a comic than what's usually found in the fully fleshed-out novels. And those stories are:

"A Better Day to Die"-Modesty has a clash of ideologies with a fanatically pacifistic priest, a man who soon comes to see that while violence may not be "right" per se, it is occasionally necessary. Features a gang rape of a Catholic schoolgirl by a quartet of alleged revolutionaries that, while occurring more or less offscreen, is not only distasteful but also sees the young victim contemplating how her violation has moved her into womanhood and "increased her cachet." All of this happens while Modesty's about fifty feet away, but seeing that she's surrounded by armed villains there's nothing she can do without getting herself or the rest of a busload of schoolgirls shot or worse, so she, the priest, and the other girls have to listen to the poor victim's terrified and anguished screams, which only adds to the awfulness of it.

"The Giggle-Wrecker"-A very slight tale in which Modesty and Willie must get a defecting and arrogant germ warfare specialist out of East Berlin, distinguished by a truly ingenious and hilariously silly solution to their problem, and a fairly decent twist thrown in at the end for good measure.

"I Had a Date with Lady Janet"-unique in the annals of Modesty Blaise, this is the only story O'Donnell ever wrote from Willie Garvin's point of view. It's a pretty standard first person recounting of Willie canceling a hot date so he can rescue Modesty from a revenge-bent bad guy and his murderous henchmen, made interesting only by the fact that it all comes straight from Willie's mouth in his familiar turn of phrase.

"A Perfect Night to Break Your Neck"-Always a welcome addition to any Modesty Blaise story, this one sees the return of Steve and Dinah Collier and their involvement in assisting the thwarting a bunch of modern-day pirates who prey upon wealthy yacht-partiers. Cowardly Stephen's strategy for bluffing a knife-wielding professional killer is a classic bit of business that's worth the price of admission, especially if you're already familiar with the character.

"Salamander Four"-Proof that Modesty can't help but be a magnet for trouble, even when posing nude for a sculptor in Finland. And, hoo-boy, does our girl do her part to help the artist past a bit of creative block...

"The Soo Girl Charity"-What starts out as a humorous revenge heist — an obnoxious financier plays a game of grab-ass with Modesty while she's on the street collecting money for a mental health charity and leaves a livid bruise on her butt cheek, so the gauntlet is thrown — turns deadly serious when Modesty and Willie infiltrate their enemy's home and discover that he's a seriously kinky sadist who's been putting his bought-for-a-hundred-dollars and ultra-submissive Asian child bride through a mutilating and hellish existence.

Definitely a very mixed bag, PIECES OF MODESTY is worth a look for Blaise fans and is certainly better than the later short story collection, COBRA TRAP (1996), but overall the book feels like six story arcs from the newspaper strip that have been shorn of the accompanying artwork. If you want my honest opinion, the second half of the book is the best of it, especially "A Perfect Night To Break Your Neck" and "Salamander Four," and though not bad "I Had A Date With Lady Janet" is a major disappointment to us Willie Garvin boosters, providing nothing that couldn't have been had in a story not narrated by our favorite Cockney badass. This is also the only book in the series not to be included among the recent reprints, so it's a bit of a collector's item and as such is hard to find and not exactly cheap. Having paid thirty-five bucks for my hardcover edition, I have to say that it isn't worth much more than fifteen-to-twenty bucks max, even for die hard Blaise junkies, so caveat emptor.

Friday, December 07, 2007

COMIC BOOKS ARE FOR IDIOTS: WISH ME LUCK!

At this very moment my man in Florida, Big Wang, is using his vast internet connections in Japan to bid on my behalf for the 1983 issue of WEEKLY SHONEN JUMP — issue #41 to be precise — that features the first installment of the manga classic HOKUTO NO KEN, better known to readers of this site as FIST OF THE NORTH STAR, one of my favorite comics of all time.


The issue that launched the most ultra-violent superhero strip on record.

If I win the bid it'll be my Christmas gift to myself. I'm not willing to spend as much on this as I did on my first edition hardcover of MANDINGO, but we'll see if it even gets close to that price. Wish me luck!

IN HONOR OF THE DATE THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

"America! Fuck yeah!!!"

Today's the sixty-sixth anniversary of when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and while we're pals nowadays I have to ask just what the fuck they were thinking by bombing the U. S. of fuckin' A? I mean, our history up to that time was not by any means a secret, so didn't they know that we're crazy? Didn't they know that bombing a nation founded on brutality and ass-kicking was not necessarily a good idea? And didn't they know that such an act would get the attention of Captain America, who would have to go overseas and kick ass simply on general principle?

So with that in mind, take out a few moments to remember Pearl Harbor and check out the most patriotic video ever made .

Thursday, December 06, 2007

COMIC BOOKS ARE FOR IDIOTS-HOUSE OF M: AVENGERS #1 & 2


HOUSE OF M: AVENGERS #1

I'd heard good things about the HOUSE OF M series, yet another of Marvel's alternate history yarns featuring the X-Men and their assorted mutant brethren, but was leery of getting into it because that concept has been beaten to death since the first go round back in a two-part UNCANNY X-MEN story from twenty-six years ago. Marvel's never been shy to revisit a popular storyline, especially just about anything from the "classic" X-Men streak of the late-1970's/early-1980's, and next to the whole Dark Phoenix saga there's no other Marvel plot that's been hauled out more than "Days of Future Past" and its playing with the future of mutants.

While not a direct rehash per se, HOUSE OF M does once more deal with an alternate timeline, this time resulting from the Scarlet Witch's nervous breakdown and her reality-warping abilities rearranging things so that a world under the rule of mutants was now the status quo. When I briefly perused it on the stands, HOUSE OF M looked like more of the same rehash stuff, along with a cast of mutant characters that had grown at least six-fold since I gave up regularly reading their increasingly rote adventures (roughly 1987), and so I was thoroughly uninterested in what it had to offer. Even when the critical accolades started coming I just didn't care, but today at the comic shop I saw the cover for HOUSE OF M: AVENGERS #2 that featured a number of my favorite B-list Marvel heroes from the 1970's and was intrigued (although to be fair, many, including myself, consider Hawkeye an A-list hero, non-powered Green Arrow wannabe or not). The cover depicted Luke "Power Man" Cage — the "blackest" super-hero of all time, and I don't necessarily mean that in a good way" — Shang-Chi, Master of Kung-Fu, bionic-armed Pam Grier analog Misty Knight, the aforementioned Hawkeye, and the befurred and bikinied Tigra, most of whom inhabited a corner of the Marvel Universe culled from and dripping with the ambience of 1970's chopsocky/crime/blaxploitation flicks. And that shit, dear readers, is something I simply eat up (cue John and the inevitable "German" gag). My curiosity piqued, I picked it up and thumbed through it. In no time I wandered over to the counter and shelled out my cash for issues 1 and 2, convinced of the old school thrills to be found between the covers.


HOUSE OF M: AVENGERS #2. Talk about a cover sure to lure me...

In the rewritten House of M status quo, non-mutant humans — referred to as "sapiens," which leads Luke Cage to utter the hilarious line, "Sapien, please" — now find themselves the "new Niggers," as Richard Pryor would have put it, and are slowly being edged out of quality jobs and housing, with some pundits predicting the extinction of the original strain within a hundred years. In the New York of this reality, Luke Cage, sporting his old school Calypso-singer-meets-pimp-in-a-tiara duds, runs a an organized crime gang at first composed of the leftovers from the previous leader's group, but as Cage's power base grows and run-ins with super-powered mutant cops become inevitable, he recruits a number of hardcore human badasses, both powered and not, including Hawkeye, martial arts master Iron Fist, ex-S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Mockingbird,Tigra, and Batman clone the Moon Knight. Staking territory in what used to be Hell's Kitchen and is now "Sapientown," Cage's crew kick lots of ass and right wrongs that the law doesn't give a shit about, swiftly becoming seen as the neighborhood's guardians, much like the Mafia of old, and earn the street nickname "the Avengers." There's lots of action and well-drawn character pieces, and even the bonus of a rivalry with Shang-Chi and his Chinatown gang, and as if that wasn't enough to satisfy a fan of the major league seventies vibe running through all of this, Cage's gang is infiltrated by an increasingly sympathetic Misty Knight while Frank "the Punisher" Castle's skills are pressed into service as the affirmative action human member of an all-mutant special ops squad who are assigned with bringing down both Cage and Shang-Chi, a situation that forces the two gangs to consider a merger.

As you've probably gathered, I enjoyed this quite a bit. It's no classic, but it's nice to see writer Christos N. Gage and artist Mike Perkins handle the Marvelsploitation gang with obvious affection and understanding, so I give this one a strong recommendation, especially for those among us who aren't too thrilled with the majority of Marvel's output in recent years and enjoy it old school and badassed. Sweet Christmas, TRUST YER BUNCHE!!!

COMIC BOOKS ARE FOR IDIOTS: THE TWELVE #0


My pal Chris Weston has been working on THE TWELVE for Marvel Comics for quite some time, and as expected his artwork kicks ass all over the page.

The series is a look at the grade-Z heroes from Marvel's Golden Age, and Chris has risen to the occasion in his depiction of such non-luminaries as Rockman, the Blue Blade, Captain Wonder, the Phantom Reporter, and my favorite of the bunch thanks to his completely insane first appearance story from back in the days, the Fiery mask (trust me, next to Stardust the Super Wizard or Fantomah you will find no stranger comics story from the period). Chris's realistic style and clear storytelling skills serve the material greatly, and this issue zero preview presents his character design sketchbook as a followup to a trio of Golden Age reprints that put it all into perspective. Following that we're treated to two lettered color pages and four unlettered black and white pages that allow you to get an unfettered look at Chris's work, and I'm willing to bet you'll be impressed.

If you're a fan of quality comics illustration, behind-the-scenes looks at the process of creating this stuff, and character design pages — to say nothing of obscure reprint material — this is a preview book that's in no way a ripoff (for once), and the series proper hits the stands with issue #1 on January 2nd. TRUST YER BUNCHE!!!

UKULELE ULTRAMAN!!!


More lunacy from our pals in the Land of the Risng Sun! Yes, it's UKULELE ULTRAMAN , an album of Hawaiian-flavored takes on the music from the seminal Japanese superhero TV show, and the video of the theme tune is loopy as hell and simply downright charming in its blend of mellow and weird.

The video opens with a luau-themed parody of the TV show's title sequence, including the famous forced zoom in on our hero, only this time he's packing a ukulele!


As the familiar theme tune is mutated into something you'd expect to hear at a Don Ho concert, Ultraman finds himself on some nameless alien world where he encounters Seabozu, the undead monster who escaped from the Ultra-Zone — you have seen that episode, right? — and a random Baltan (one of those awesome giggling lobster men with the oversized claws and stylish genie shoes), both of whom are visibly depressed. Exhibiting an uncharacteristic sense of compassion rather than just blowing the living shit out of them like usual, Ultraman comforts them and takes them with him to some Hawaiian beach where they engage in some mellow fun.


Refreshed by their seaside frolicking, the monsters hula and shimmy while Ultraman jams out, the whole thing conjuring up a feeling of "Was I just dosed?" relaxation and euphoria.


Going where the happy vibe takes them, Ultraman and his new friends catch some bitchin' waves before flying back to deep space.


It's the perfect three-minute respite from the crushing tedium of the workplace and is the next best thing to smoking some tasty buds to take one temporarily out of the work environment and into a sweet, childlike wonderland where former mortal enemies can hang out, party, and just generally have a swell time. Man, do I wish I was baked when I first saw this!

BY WAY OF EXPLANATION

Remember yesterday's photo of the Chanukah spiral ham? Well, here's an explanation of exactly what was up with that from today's New York Daily News:

BALDUCCI'S OFFERS HAM FOR CHANUKAH
By Bill Hutchinson
Daily News staff writer
Thursday, December 6th 2007, 4:00 AM


Balducci's in Greenwich Village advertises tasty boneless spiral ham as 'Delicious for Chanukah.' Store blamed a clerk for the gaffe.

Oy vey! Pork for Chanukah?

The Greenwich Village gourmet grocery store, Balducci's, has become the butt of the Jewish holiday by advertising its boneless hams as "Delicious for Chanukah."

Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro, 46, spotted the kosher faux pas while browsing the meat section Saturday at the chain's outpost at Eighth Ave. and W. 14th St. When Shapiro went back Sunday, she took photos of the unorthodox display promoting boneless spiral-cut hams for $8.99 a pound, petite smoked hams for $6.99 a pound and boneless smoked hams for $6.29 a pound. Instead of pointing out the mistake to management, she posted the snapshots on her blog to "amuse others." "I just thought it was funny," Shapiro, a self-described "unobservant Jew," said. "I wasn't offended in any way. I just thought, here's somebody who knows nothing about what Jews eat." Shapiro said that when she went back to the store Tuesday, the first night of Chanukah, the signs had vanished.

A Balducci's official was so verklempt about the error he didn't want to speak on the record. He fessed up that "it was a mistake," blaming it on a stock clerk who normally doesn't work the meat department. He referred all other questions to the company's marketing department in Connecticut.