SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

If you are a fellow student of old school porn, you no doubt recall the mighty Peter North, the Canadian-born mainstay of '80's smut who started out in gay porn and whose legend was assured by his practically superhuman capacity for ejaculations containing enough sheer seminal volume to get a legion of women pregnant with every shot. Famously (and accurately) nicknamed "The Decorator," North toiled in the front lines of the adult video industry for years, eventually breaking into directing, and now his legacy is celebrated with a four-disc set from the "Legends of Porn" series.

Simply put, the guy's performances were quite impressive and many a belly and face found itself festooned with 98.6-degree gobbets of his DNA, leaving the lass on the receiving end looking like someone had just thrown a cup of Jergens lotion at her, so it was perhaps inevitable that North's truly seminal work would be thus commemorated. If you've never seen North's bacon bazooka deliver one of its storied payloads, you owe it to yourself to check this out if for no other reason that its non-CGI "Holy shit!" value.

As expected, the parody deluge continues unabated and this spoof of the beloved sitcom TAXI is the latest of that questionable lot.

Sure, many of us rubbed one out to the titian-tressed charms of Marilu Henner as hotter-than-shit cabbie Elaine Nardo, so at least that aspect of this video makes sense, but was there really ever anyone out there who fantasized about the sex lives of Alex Rieger, Latka Gravas, or Reverend Jim? That last one is something I do not want to contemplate, in much the same way that the mere thought of Cthulhu and the other "Old Ones" drives sane men into states of gibbering madness, but the crowning anti-achievement of this release is the casting of singularly unattractive-yet-inspirational pork sword grandmaster Ron Jeremy as Louie DePalma, the role that made Danny DeVito famous. At no point during my many hours spent watching the original TAXI did an image of Louie making the beast with two backs with anyone cross my mind, so thank you, o porn filmmakers for giving me that charming sight to ruminate upon.

On the other end of the spectrum is the apparently dead-serious porn version of HAMLET.

The Bard certainly never shied away from interpersonal entanglements for his characters, but I very much doubt he ever intended for Gertrude to be depicted getting spit-roasted by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern while Prince Hamlet, the brooding Dane, lapped the crotch of Ophelia like a dog enthusiastically scouring his food bowl for the last traces of Alpo and its attendant jellied gravy. I'm a bit of a Shakespeare fan, so, purely in the name of furthering my studies of post-modern interpretations of the great playwright's works, I think I'll have to check this one out. Purely for scholarly reasons, of course...