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Wednesday, December 02, 2009


As you probably already know, I fucking hate Christmas music. But what you may not be aware of is that each year I put together a CD of questionable Christmas fare just to get all the other endlessly-played Yuletide crap out of my head. Over the last week I've scoured my collection and as of yesterday afternoon I've narrowed down this year's "Christmas Evil" CD to the following candidates; there are some repeat offenders present, but oh those new additions...

Santa Says...-Santa
A brief opening greeting from the fat guy himself, in which his hearty "Ho ho ho" is swiftly reduced to a wracking smoker's cough.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town-Joseph Spence
A favorite of myself and my buddy John Bligh for over a decade, this is a live track and I'm not certain but I think the singer was bombed out of his mind.

Fuck Christmas-Eric Idle
This song sums up exactly how I feel about the season, although rendered palatable enough to be enjoyed even by Christmas fans.

Christmas Is A-Comin'-The Shitbirds
Another favorite from the past decade or so, with vocals by the underrated April March, whose excellent and rather bizarre "Chick Habit" is heard over the closing credits to Quentin Tarantino's DEATH PROOF.

Daddy Drank Our Christmas Money-TVTV$
Another perennial fave of mine and one of the greatest songs about seasonal family dysfunction, the sheer misery of this is given upbeat counterpoint by its punk rock accompaniment.

Christmas Witch-The Lucky Nightsticks
I don't know about you, but there's something about the season that makes me want to track down an honest-to-goodness witch and get my hump on with her.

You Ain't Getting Sh*t for Christmas!-Red Peters The genteel-faced vileness of Red Peters makes its the first of two appearances on this list with this narrative about an old man's sentiments when his family decides to ditch him (and their surprise gifts of $10, 000 each) and spend Christmas in a tropical clime.

Deck The Halls-The Kickin' Kazoos
If put on endless loop, this will drive you insane.

Meth Lab Christmas-Acoustic Front
Christmas and crystal methamphetamine. A classic seasonal combination!

We Wish You A Merry Christmas-Aaron Tucker
An awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger soundalike "vishes" you a merry Christmas. Short and very much to the Teutonic-accented point, what's not to love?

I Farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me)-The Little Stinkers I can't wait to teach this one to my adorable little nieces, Cleo and Hannah. (You have not been left out, Sadie-Rain; you're old enough for far worse material.)

No Presents For Christmas-King Diamond
The ultra-Satanic lead singer of the seminal Danish metal band Mercyful Fate gets in on the Christmas music bandwagon.

Christmas When You're Dead-Ralph Sinatra
An excellent seasonal ditty as sung from the point of view of Frank Sinatra's corpse, this is hands-down my favorite Christmas recording of the past twenty years.

Holy Shit It's Christmas-Red Peters
Simply put, this is Red Peters' answer to "The Chipmunk Song."

Stomping Through A Pillaged Wonderland-Vykyng
A fantastic Christmas song from the point of view of a band of marauding Vikings.

A Merry Jingle-The Greedies
A fun little punk rock carol that resembles the musical stylings of Splodgenessabounds, only minus the aggressively Cockney vocals of Max Splodge.

Jingle Bell Cock-Blowfly
Sing along, Vaulties: "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell cock. Jingle bell prick that's hard as a rock!"

Blue Xmas-Bob Dorough
The southern-accented "Schoolhouse Rock" guy, showing you what he was all about before he got into kiddie songs. Next to Eric Idle's "Fuck Christmas," this one best sums up my feelings on the holidays.

Christmas is a Pain in the Arse-The Accelerators
See above.

A Wee Little Christmas Ditty (Drunken Stupor)
A completely tasteless and hilarious song pondering the holidays from the point of view of victims of drunk drivers and the family members who survive them.

Homo Christmas-Pansy Division

Don't Mess With My Tequila-Backstreet Girls
Holidays and booze, a natural and sometimes necessary combination!

Jack Shit-John Valby
"The white Blowfly" strikes again with this charming ditty about how a very naughty little boy ends up on "the fat guy's shitlist," thus getting "Jack shit" for Christmas.

My Mother Gave Me A Gun For Christmas (Waltz Version)-Pork Dukes
A charming holiday dance tune from the creative geniuses behind such non-chart-toppers as "Makin' Bacon," "Telephone Masturbator," and the deathless "Tight Pussy."

Christmas With Bazooka Joe-The Fleshtones
While I love several of this band's songs, especially "The Girl from Baltimore," this one leads me to ask just how someone even comes up with the concept of sharing Christmas with the disturbing one-eyed mascot of bubble gum that could also double as insulation on the space shuttle.

Can I Please Crawl Down To Your Chimney?-Kenne Highland & His Vatican Sex Kittens
Basically, Santa's horny and he ain't goin' nowhere.

A Christmas Warning-El Privates
Considering how twisted most of the songs in this collection are, it's no mean feat to rank as the most morally reprehensible of the lot, but this one succeeds with flying colors for being an upbeat and allegedly humorous ode to getting anally-raped by shopping mall Santas in stretch pants. I wrestled long and hard with putting this one in here, but bad taste inevitably won out.

Frosty-John Valby
As long as I make these yearly discs, this ultra-filthy version of the adventures of everyone's favorite animate snowman will always have a home.

Feliz Navidad-Christmas With Beer
A more or less straight version of the Jose Feliciano classic, only with the Spanish language sections mumbled because the singers don't know the lyrics.

Merry F'n Christmas-Denis Leary
Not to be confused with SOUTH PARK's "Merry Fucking Christmas," this contribution from Dennis Leary says it all in one short and sweet package.

A Message From The King-Bob Rivers
This seasonal from-beyond-the-grave greeting by Elvis is a gem, depicting the King offering merry platitudes while stuffing his fat dead face and continuing to pontificate through mouthfuls of turkey, mashed potatoes and other Christmas feast artery-cloggers.

Donny the Retard-Larry The Cable Guy
Nine seconds of political incorrectness to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman."

That's what I've got. Can you suggest anything else? Merely comedic won't fit here, so think as vile and offensive as possible. I'm talking stuff that will get you excommunicated from the family Christmas gathering for the next five years, so put on your thinking caps and send in your recommendations!


John Bligh said...

Repeating what I said privately, the only two that I think are missing is that immortal ode to child molestation "Here Comes Santa's Pussy" by the Frogs and of course "Fuck Christmas" by Fear.

Otherwise, I would buy this compilation in a second!

robseth said...

Though not terribly vile, I always like to hear: "The Night Santa Went Crazy" by Weird Al Yankovic.

Unknown said...

I hate xmas music too. I used to love it. That's the strange thing. It was the one thing that got me into a church. Now I go ballastic when I hear anything beside the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

Deacon Blue said...

I only know one witch personally, Bunche, and aside from being all the way up in Maine, she's already taken and is probably 10-15 years your senior anyway.

Other than that, just a few garden-variety pagans, progressive liberals, and other non-spellcasting deviants.


TimTrue said...

I'll do you a trade and send you my compilation—weird, but maybe not as vitriolic as yours!

Christmas Hampers said...

Reading this blog totally made my day. Thanks for the laughs. Have a wonderful Christmas.